Par kluseba le 17 Juillet 2012 à 00:16
Hello and welcome to our new show “The world’s next ordinary flower power metal band”. If you and your mates are looking forward to participate, make sure to get a closer look at our checklist to see if you and your friends are made to be the new heroes of ordinary power metal with all the pride and glory that comes along with it.
1. If possible, you have to come from Italy and must adore Rhapsody of Fire as well as soft flower metal from Angra over Freedom Call to Yngwie J. Malmsteen as well as any symphonic metal stuff from After Forever over Therion to Within Temptation. Invite a band member from one of your favourite bands as a guest to push the album. If you do not come from Italy, you can also be from Spain, Germany, Netherlands or Finland but any other nationality is immediately dismissed.
2. You need a high pitched hermaphrodite male singer or beautiful female singer with classic and opera interests, a weakness for medieval clothing and big breasts. The singers should have some technical skills but nothing that really points out and might confuse the potential fan base. Don’t try to add something unique and charismatic to your sound as it won’t please to the masses. Remember: If you chose an ordinary singer he can easily be replaced by another one of its kind if he gets too ambitious and you can assure a long minor quality career in the business.
3. Make sure that every one of your musicians might also be easy to replace in the case that he or she might get into too experimental stuff. Choose your singer, keyboarder or guitar player as band leaders that write all the lyrics, give the interviews and share the groupies. Bass player and drummer have nothing to say or do.
4. Choose a childish band name that honours your favourite fantasy movies and books or your favourite band or album.
5. In your songs, you have to sing about epic quests, lovely emotions and ordinary fantasy stories including the eternal fight between good and evil where you let the good side win. Stretch most of your songs to epic lengths to suggest that you vary a lot and are very innovating.
6. Start writing a conceptual album and if possible as much of them as possible if your first albums gets some minor success to be able to carry the concept for the rest of your career so you must not be innovative and can defend a lack of changes in style. Include dragons, fairies and elves in your concept or as well as a tragic love story.
7. Especially for your first and hopefully all upcoming album covers, you need a pseudo-epic aspect and should also chose a mascot or superhero that comes back on every cover of your future releases and fits more or less to the lyrical concept or band name. Surround him with epic skies, burning buildings, a couple of unicorns, a bunch of drunken bards or anything similar to that. You can also add rose rabbits of you feel so.
8. Include many blast beats as well as at least two shredded melodic guitar solos in your songs. Artificially flavoured keyboard sounds as well as bombastic neoclassical arrangements must also be included in most of the songs. If you get some success, you can progressively replace the keyboards by professional orchestras, church choirs and drunken fans or add all of this into a potpourri of overwhelming happiness and senseless epic feelings. Forget about the other instruments, the bass sound and drum loops should be fast and as ordinary as possible in the background.
9. You have to put some slow and sweet epic tracks on your records, a few exaggerated fast flower power metal tracks and a couple of pathetic ballads. Narrative passages and movie score sound samples are also allowed and you can copy and paste sounds and melodies from any of your favourite bands. Try no experiments and don’t be too heavy or dark because you could fear all those elves, princesses and role play gamers out there.
10. Be sure that there aren’t any edges in the sound of the album and make it sound as polished, watered and cheesy as possible.
If most or all of these points fit to you and your band, you have a big chance to become “The world’s next ordinary flower power metal band”. You will have a few technical skills and minor success, but no own identity or a bright future with your throw-away and exchangeable music.
And this year’s winner for the big price is: 4th dimension with “The white path to rebirth”.
Congratulations! You get a small record deal with “Crash & Burn” which describes your fate. Live the moment and enjoy being stars for a moment and then be forgotten, rest in peace and return playing World of Warcraft again.
Now, the show must go on... Next, please!
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