Pan-pan-pan instead of pon-pon-pon - A review of Nightwish's Human. :||: Nature.

One could have seen this coming for a long period of time. After eliminating the shining star Tarja Turunen along side him, Nightwish has gradually been transformed into a Tuomas Holopainen solo project. While second singer Anette Olzon briefly brought an energetic, fresh and rocking tone to the band, she was quickly kicked out of the band as well. Nightwish released its own movie eight years ago along with its own soundtrack, Tuomas Holopainen released a bloated solo album and the last Nightwish studio album released five years ago underused third singer Floor Jansen and featured a twenty-four minute long overtly pretentious love letter to our planet instead. Nightwish's mastermind has now pushed things to the limit on the annoyingly entitled Human. :||: Nature.

Opener ''Music'' essentially starts with five minutes of sound samples and keyboard melodies. The singer is allowed to make a brief appearance after three minutes. The rest of the band only starts getting significantly involved beyond the four-minute mark and the chorus kicks in after five minutes. This song exemplifies the order of priority in Nightwish anno 2020. Tuomas Holopainen comes first, at a certain point the singer gets involved but not too much to not be given the opportunity to shine and the other musicians are degraded to hired guns as folk instrumentalist Troy Donockley is even given more significant play time than the members of old date on bass, drums and guitars.

This new album explores all the soundscapes Tuomas Holopainen has been admiring for far over a decade now. Tribal drums, Irish instruments and shanty vibes dominate ''Harvest'', electronic samples meet folk instruments and symphonic tones in the vapid ballad ''Procession'' and as if one love letter to our planet one the previous output hadn't been enough, this record features a sleep-inducing instrumental tune entitled ''All the Works of Nature Which Adorn the World'' separated into eight parts clocking in at thirty-one minutes on a separate disc. Tuomas Holopainen seems to think he is a contemporary reincarnation of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart but he isn't even reaching the quality of Therion's mastermind Christofer Johnsson.

To be fair, the album has few redeeming values in form of the diversified epic ''Endlessness'' that recalls what Nightwish was once known, respected and even adored for one and a half decades ago or the comforting power ballad ''How's the Heart?'' that finds a solid balance between symphonic soundscapes, folk instrumentation and rock elements.

There is one term you haven't read in my description so far: metal. I don't mind if a band plays a different genre and abandons traditional metal sounds but what once was the world's most important symphonic metal band has abandoned all its aggressive, energetic and unchained elements. The drummer can mostly relax during overlong symphonic passages and keyboard experimentation. The bass guitar is nearly inaudible throughout the album. The guitar work is reduced to chugging mallcore riffs and two or three brief solos throughout eighty-two minutes of music. This release doesn't have anything to do with symphonic metal and almost nothing with symphonic rock. This is a bloated, boring and pretentious symphonic folk soundtrack that could be used for a Walt Dinsey movie. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate classical music and soundtracks but not if they sound as syrupy, cheesy and attention-seeking as this one.

There are only two options to save Nigtwish's reputation established throughout its first six or perhaps seven studio albums. First of all, the bassist, drummer, guitarist and singer who are completely underused could leave the band and the upcoming records should be released as Tuomas Holopainen solo albums. Secondly, the rest of the band could attempt to kick Tuomas Holopainen out and finally go back to its roots. There doesn't seem to be any other way to save Nightwish's integrity, legacy and spirit as of now.

To conclude, Nightwish's eighty-two minute double-album is the most difficult rock or metal album to sit through since Metallica's and Lou Reed's collaboration on Lulu eight and a half years ago. Yes, there might have been worse albums by newcomer bands who aren't in full control of their instruments yet or uninspired veterans who cash in by rehashing repetitive ideas of the past but those albums were generally over after forty minutes. Nightwish's ninth's regular studio album is twice as long however and gets worse with every single minute. Ignore the exaggerated press releases and reviews guided by label Nuclear Blast. Nightwish's Human. :||: Nature. doesn't deserve any attention and will go down as one of the biggest disappointments in the history of metal music.

Final rating: 25%